SpankadinL33T

The following is the first chapter of a fiction novella I am working on about a World of Warcraft addict named SpankadinL33T. My friend Nate commissioned me to write it for 10 bucks...so if anyone else wants to pay me to write...

Chapter 1: Kel-Thuzad and the Raid of Naxxramas

After four hours of hardcore raiding the decay of the floating Nerubian Ziggurat Naxxramas had pushed his mind to the brink. He could feel the sour stench of the undead sinking into his pores, and hear the wicked scuttle of the giant arachnids echo off the vaulted archways of bone and ectoplasm. Death lurked in every corner and the cold was unrelenting—supernatural even—dimming The Light within till it felt as though his very heart was incased in a demonic frost.

He looked into the eyes of his guild, iHasApwner…the eyes of mages, and rogues, and warriors, and shamans…the eyes of blood elves, and orcs, and trolls, and tauren…the eyes of different races and classes brought to this floating fortress of evil for two things: to pwn the plague of undeath, and l33t gear. The hour of reckoning was at hand. He, SpankadinL33t, Blood Knight of the Sin’ Dorei, retribution paladin of The Horde, would rid the halls of Naxxramas of one last boss—Kel-Thuzad.

The Archmage turned Lich Necromancer floated in mid air on the opposite side of the royal chamber. He had no reason to run. Arthas, the Lich King himself, had slain him in The Third War and placed his remains in The Sunwell of the Sin’ Dorei. He was reborn as an immortal Lich, a general of the Lich King, a Commander of the Scourge, the Leader of The Plaguelands, and the Lord of Naxxramus. Even though this petulant group of intruders stood in front of him with the ruins of his prized ziggurat smoldering in their wake, he felt no fear, only cold, inhuman, rage.

Kel-Thuzad let loose a chilly rattle which swiftly twisted into words, “PRAY FOR MERCY. SCREAM YOUR DYING BREATH. THE END IS UPON YOU.”

“BUFF UP YOU SORRY SACKS OF NOOB!” shouted MooovinHealz a tauren Resto Shaman, and Spank’s first lieutenant. The two had spent years leveling, raiding, and PvPing together. Moo was not just his second in command, but his best friend, and more importantly the best healer in the guild. Without Moo, Spank and the rest of iHasApwner would be lost.  

Spank let the buffs wash over him. He could feel his stamina, haste, attack power, critical strike rating, spell power, mana regeneration, and armor increase with each spell. His iron-clad grip tightened around his epic mace, a vicious weapon of destruction known to Azeroth as The Jawbone. Nearly four hours ago he had ripped it from the mouth of a four story arachnid—the vile Maexxna. The teeth of the mace now glowed red with a Greater Savagery enchant that one of the guild priests had bestowed upon him. He could feel it yearning for blood and bone—the last fiendish remnant of Maexxna now under his power. Soon, its thirst would be quenched.

Moo moved beside him, “Spank, buffs are out. Ready check confirmed. We are good to go.”

Spank stood facing the Lich creature and whispered to Moo in private chat, “Have I been a good guild master? Are we not on a path of self-destruction? Am I not Ahab? And is that shrieking, traitorous, Scourge not my white whale?”

“You have trained us well. The guild is ready.”

“And if we should wipe?”

“Then it will be a glorious wipe. And the lamentations will ring throughout Dalaran for ages to come.”

“And what of you, my friend? Are you ready to follow me on this blind quest for glory and l33t gear?”

“My captain…I will follow you till death washes over me.”

“Then be not afraid my dear Moo. For on this night, Arthas will be the one lamenting the defeat of his priced general.”

SpankadinL33t turned to his guildies and began, “Brothers and sisters of iHasApwner, right now I look into your hardened faces with pride, and realize how far we have come. I remember when we were but little n00bs struggling to kill level 6 pigs in Durotar.” He felt The Light burning in his chest, “HA. LET THOSE PIGGIES BESTOW THEIR GAZE UPON US NOW! THE EARTH QUAKES WHEN RIDE OUT AND MEET THOSE WHO CHALLENGE OUR MIGHT! THE HEAVENS THUNDER WHEN WE DON OUR ARMOR AND RULE THE FIELD OF BATTLE WITH BLADE AND AXE! THE WIND WAILS AS OUR SPELLS AND ARROWS SHATTER THE ENEMY’S WILL INTO CORPSEDUST! LET THE KODO MARCH! LET THE WOLVES HOWL! LET THE RAPTORS SCREAM! LET THE WAR DRUMS SOUND! FOR THRALL! FOR GLORY! FOR THE HORDE!!!!!”

“FOR THE HORDE!” cried iHasApwner in a regimented chant. The moment had come. The time for battle was at hand.